you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
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After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
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I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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