Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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