I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
