im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
