Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
