Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Terrible idea I love it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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