Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
