I cannot find my penis.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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