My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your penis caused this!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
