There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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