This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Rumble strips road head = magical
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
