so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize