Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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