Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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