I have demons in me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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