We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
