His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
