wrigley field is MILF paradise
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
