im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
