The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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