Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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