for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
