For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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