Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
