You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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