I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
