I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
