I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
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Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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