i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
