i was born a porn star she said
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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