I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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