I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
