Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
