I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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