Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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