it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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