I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
