oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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