There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
