You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
