I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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