chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
