please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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