I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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