I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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