I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
