she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Bring me that man meat
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
