my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
