the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
