Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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