Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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