I just pynch a tree in the face
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??