I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life