So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
