I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
