I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
