no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
