allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
